Beware mistaken presumptions
3 minute read
Humans like to identify and leverage patterns. We use history to learn how things worked. We presume that previous outcomes predict future behavior.
Sometimes, the observed pattern fails. You move forward with your presumption and it turns out to be invalid. In some cases, it’s flat out wrong and ultimately takes you in the opposite direction.
Here’s an example: many people are more receptive when addressed by their first name. More than one marketing professional has opened a cold contact with a variation of “Hi John. You don’t know me, but I’m…” And you know what? A lot of people respond well when approached in this way.
As an assumption, it’s not bad. It scales to most of the population and is relatively consistent. It works, which is why people do it.
It’s not universal, however. Here’s a simple counterexample: I don’t use my birth name in everyday activities. It only appears in official documents, such as my passport, my birth certificate, and so on. It’s a name I use only for formal occasions (and, even then, only as part of my full name).
My birth name is the same as my father’s. Growing up, I used my middle name. It’s become habit and, as such, it’s an intrinsic part of my personal identity. In my mind, my birth name belonged to my father. It was an intrinsic part of his identity. My father was a different person than I am.
Many people have complicated relationships with their parents; I’m no exception. Consequently, when someone greets me using his name, it creates friction. It’s fingernails on a chalkboard. It complicates the introduction. Instead of lowering barriers, it raises them.
For one thing, it tells me that the person is a stranger, one presuming familiarity based on materials likely obtained without my explicit knowledge or consent.
(Parenthetically, I should mention that email addressed to my father is typically and cheerfully flagged as spam and then deleted unread.)
Given the previously observed pattern, it should be OK for someone to approach me using those details. Except it’s not. I don’t like it. It lands poorly. Instead of making a good impression, it raises my defenses.
With me, the relatively consistent presumption fails. The person leveraging the pattern finds it doesn’t fit all cases.
The success of that communication hinges on what happens next.
Mistakes happen, often unpredictably. Some people drive forward, as if the mistake isn’t important in the grand scheme. And perhaps they’re right. Perhaps it is no big deal to the Universe writ large.
To me, though, it’s a very big deal. I want to be seen and treated as an individual, not a statistic. I am a person, not a number or a transaction.
Others apologize, refocus, and start over. The most successful ones ask and then respect my preferences.
You can see where I’m going with this, right?
We’re human and we make mistakes. Sometimes, the best available information isn’t good enough and we end up on our heels.
If we approach mistakes with honesty, humility, and integrity, they become stumbles that can be overcome.
On the other hand, if we’re arrogant or dismissive of someone else’s concerns, the roadblock becomes more complicated.
For if you do not appreciate and respect my concerns, desires, or wishes, then why would you expect me to do the same?
If you cannot respect and treat me as an individual, why would I bother trying to return the favor?
Kindness and respect cost nothing, except a bit of time and attention to detail. #FoodForThought
Vital statistics
- First post: 15 August 2024