A question of integrity
3 minute read
During a job interview, I was asked to provide an example of integrity.
The question caught me off-guard; it wasn’t one I’d planned for.
An example popped into my head, but I hesitated to present it.
My youngest daughter grew up with a co-parenting arrangement. Her mother and I were supposed to collaborate on major decisions and find common ground.
In practice, the arrangement was, well, one-sided. I often found that decisions were made without my input. I was not proactively informed about important needs or events. Frequently, my daughter had to tell me about things I needed to do, but wasn’t allowed to do so until our next weekend together.
Obviously, this was very frustrating. It complicated things. There was… unnecessary anxiety and chaos.
Yet… No matter how frustrated I got, I made sure to never express that around my daughter. When she was around, I focused on her needs and her feelings. We dealt with whatever we needed to. I responded to each challenge as best as I could. Throughout, I encouraged her to have the best possible relationship she could have with all of her parents.
When she spoke enthusiastically about activities with her other family, I listened attentively and spoke encouragingly. I focused on what she needed and tried to stay in the active moment.
When she was older and began to ask tough questions, I tried to frame my answers through the lens of her understanding. I kept returning to the theme of the best possible relationship.
I tried to show her that it was perfectly OK for her to have a different relationship with her mother than I did. It’s normal to see things from different perspectives. And it’s normal to have different opinions and occasional disagreements. What’s important is how we handle our differences.
I made many mistakes as a parent. We all do. Yet, in this, I think I did fairly well.
Throughout, I tried to love her unconditionally; that is, without condition. I tried to accept and respect her feelings, her ideas, and her needs–often at the expense of my own. Moreover, I tried to show the the truth of my intentions with my actions.
These were not always easy things to do or to say. Yet no matter what I felt, I tried to support her, sticking to the theme of the best possible relationship.
This is a personal story (rather than a professional accomplishment). I think it shows how I personally define integrity. More to the point, it shows how that definition influences my decisions, even when they’re challenged (sometimes on a daily basis).
I feel you have to walk the talk. Lead by example. Grab a shovel. Dig in.
I routinely put my daughter’s needs ahead of my own. I did what was necessary to support her–and did so without criticizing her mother.
The result? Today, we have a good relationship. We talk openly. She shares things with me she doesn’t easily share with her other family. We don’t always see eye-to-eye, but we have each other’s back. She trusts me. And that’s something I treasure.